I’m not the language police. Well, except when it comes to apostrophes, in which case I’m the language police… judge, jury, and executioner, bitch. But people who confuse similar-sounding words having different meanings (homphones) and mix and mangle common (cliche, really) metaphors and idioms drive me nuts. Here are a few (I’ll be adding to this catalog):
- Magic/Silver Bullet – People are forever jabbering about “magic bullets” and “silver bullets”, generally in the context of a miracle cure or unlikely solution, and using the terms randomly and interchangeably. Lemme sort you out here. The “magic bullet” was the one that punched a hole in JFK before proceeding on to mess up John Connally and finally turn up on a hospital gurney looking like it just popped out of the mold. The assassination conspiracy nutters like to call it “magic” because they think that it should have been smashed to shit after causing all that damage, and because it would have had to zig-zag en route, something that’s clearly impossible and thus – obviously – incontrovertible evidence of Sam Giancana being in bed with the military-industrial complex, sorta like Kennedy was in bed with Sam’s moll. But I digress. Silver bullets are the ones you’re supposed to be able to dispatch werewolves with (maybe vampires and some other imaginary monsters, too, but this is clearly a contentious issue). The Lone Ranger used them as well, but he also had a horse named “Silver”, so it gets confusing – buddy clearly had some sort of fixation. No matter. The point is that each has specific connotations, and if you use one of them it’s going to be heard as a metaphor, so you really should have some clue what that metaphor is. If you don’t, just don’t talk about bullets at all, okay?
- Median/Meridian – The median is the thing in the middle, including between two roads. A meridian is a line around the earth that passes through the poles. If you’re tempted to call that piece of grass you’re driving next to the “meridian”, please step on the gas and head for the first tree you can see.
- The Walk and the Talk – The proper expression is (or is similar to): “Are you just going to talk the talk, or are you going to walk the walk?” It’s simple, and challenges the subject to do something rather than just yacking about it. But over and over I hear “walk the talk” or “talk the walk”, neither of which make a damn bit of sense. Get it right or shut the hell up.
- Pipe/Pike – Here I don’t actually have any problem; it’s an unusual case of two words sounding alike and meaning completely different things, yet working interchangeably rather well. A “pipe” is a tube, and a “pike”, in the “turnpike” sense (not the thing your head belongs atop of), is a road, so things can move or flow down either. You get a pass on this one.
- Gibe/Jibe/Gybe/Jive – I’m an OED man, and here’s how my Concise breaks it down: gibe is to flout, jeer, mock, or torment. So is jibe, but that also means to agree with – as well as to tack a boat (and I sail, so don’t get started with me) – but the latter definition is also spelled gybe. The confusion arises when people try to describe agreement or coincidence, but instead of using jibe, substitute jive. That’s ridiculous, because jive itself has a whole bunch of different meanings (including a dance, 70s ebonics, and bullshit) that have nothing to do with gibe, jibe, or gybe.
- Home/Hone – Okay, this one really drives me nuts. I just heard a Supposedly Smart Person on CBC Radio (my god, she’s an assistant professor at Trent) say “hone in”, when what she meant was “home in”. A hone is a stone used to sharpen a blade. It is not involved in adjusting one’s course in order to reach a desired destination, whether literally or metaphorically. What are you… stupid?
- Rules & Exceptions – Can you think of a more nonsensical notion than that of “the exception that proves the rule”? I can’t. Let’s see if I can even to begin to convey how fundamentally stunned it is. An exception is an exception. It’s not of the rule; it doesn’t prove the rule; it’s the thing that proves the rule is wrong. You follow? Could anything be simpler?
Nitpicking Bastard 